


A day like no ogre

by 50percentraisinbird



Series: Shrekventures [1]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, as usual shrek is a sexgod, dib has a day, dont take this srsly, every couple years i wake up from my slumber and post another atrocity on this website, i be like this, i have never written a serious thing in my life, my oc appears occasionally but dont mind her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:02:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27610430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50percentraisinbird/pseuds/50percentraisinbird
Summary: Dib just wanted to chill or something but then everything changed in an instant. Maybe I'll continue this.
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Series: Shrekventures [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018663
Comments: 7
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you read my german meme fic from 2016: this is set in the same universe.  
> if you havent: dont read it its very german

A day like no ogre

It was an average cloudy day in the middle of summer in The City. Dib was trying to have a relaxing swim at the local pool, when, admittedly not to his surprise, a large onion-shaped spaceship started to descend from the grey sky. The, at the point of this story at least, young adult sighed heavily and jumped out of the pool as quick as possible. Obviously not even on his off-day he could be free of extraterrestrial shenanigans, which he blamed on his little green friend that lived just down the street. He threw on his, new and way more stylish, beloved trenchcoat and began his pilgrimage to the not even that remote and thus not even justifiably distant just aforementioned place. As he passed by the first building he took a glimpse of a group of shady beanish-shaped creatures huddling together in a conspiratorial way in the alley. Dramatically loud Vocaloid-hiphop was blasting from a remarkably retro looking radio one of the weird creatures was holding on it’s back. Actually, they seemed to share quite a resemblance with those horrific yellow helpers from that cursed children's movie franchise Dib had learned to hate immensely since it’s initial release. The more he wasted his attention to whether he was just imagining this resemblance or not, the less he actually believed his ridiculous suspicion and continued to walk down the street. He had more important business to attend to right now, as became increasingly more noticeable as the sky started darkening from the nearing spaceship. With a quick and rather smooth movement, Dib pulled his Membrane-phone 12 from his pants and quick dialed his sister for counseling.  
“Gaz, I urgently require your help,”he nearly yelled into his phones’ speaker upon hearing his sister pick up the call.  
“What is it this time, actually no, let me guess, bigfoot stole your pants and you can’t leave the mens’ room because of that, am I correct or-“  
“NO GAZ, this is serious, look up at the sky.”  
“Yeah there’s a huge onion, so what,” Gaz deadpanned in answer.  
“So what? SO WHAT? GAZ THIS MUST BE ZIM’S DOING HE IS PLANNING TO TURN US ALL INTO ONIONS,” Dib further yelled passionately.  
“I’m pretty sure you’re just exaggerating, now leave me alone please I’m streaming.”  
With that Gaz hung up on Dib, who while talking to his sister had entirely forgotten to keep on walking and also had ended up standing in the middle of the road with a line of cars having started to jam up behind him. The young man jumped out of the way ashamedly and carried on his, still not justifiably called, pilgrimage towards his worst enemies’ house. Now that he was mere metres away from the atrociously bad disguised aliens abode he dared to take another glance at the sky. Shock overtook his body as he saw the onion parked directly over Zim’s roof. This meant he had been right all along, the tiny green alien was planning something terrible! Unashamedly, why should he even be ashamed, he was saving humanity, yet again, he kicked in the barely functionable door and bursted into the ‘living room’ that was coated in nacho cheese most of the times he passed by. To his surprise no one, not even the weird ugly robot that was always by Zim’s side, was in the room. That meant only one thing, they had to be in the secret base, probably plotting more evil with some purely speculative onion overlords. Just as quickly as he had pulled out his phone just mere minutes ago, he started compiling random technology bits that were strewn across the floor and began building something akin to a laser-gun. Now that he also was armed, something he had failed to consider before coming to this place, he could begin his descent to the secret base. Instead of taking the bizarrely alien elevator that would bring one to that secret destination on a regular day, Dib shot his laser-gun at the floor like an absolute madman and smoothly fell down several stories that, had this not been in a cartoon setting and him not being the protagonist, would have ended in certain death for the young man. As if he had just emerged from an epic anime scene he perfectly landed on one knee with the rubble forming perfect dust clouds just behind of him.  
“ZIM! I HAVE COME TO STOP YOUR EVIL MASTER PLAN,” Dib yelled out of the top of his lungs while dramatically standing up and getting into an equally theatrical pose. The dust slowly began to settle and as even after a few seconds there still was no answer from Zim, Dib started to look around. The base was empty. Not literally, there still were one too many deadly irken machines lying around, but there was not a single trace of Zim, less to speak of the onion overlords. ‘What the fuck,’ Dib mumbled to himself as he began to walk around and inspect his surroundings. Just as he was about to turn around and actually take the elevator back up, he saw some movement underneath a horribly unhealthy looking batch of tacos. Slowly he turned towards whatever the fuck that was and focused intensely on the barely noticeable movements. Suddenly a holy sound started playing from god-knows-where, accompanied by a gospel choir and incredibly blinding rays of light that definitely came from whatever was underneath the tacos. Sparkles so beautiful the average person would tear up immediately joined in on the inexplicable mess and just as Dib began suspecting that it probably was just Zim’s odd companion Minimoose, a being so gorgeous that there were no words invented to describe it yet, took form in front of the by now speechless trenchcoat-wearing man. The being was perfectly voluptuous , clad in thin brown leather leggings and a light beige linen robe that was adorned with a leather belt just below a perfectly thick belly. The clothes beautifully matched it’s effortlessly blemishless green skin, that unlike an irkens actually appeared to have organic appeal. No hair but two bushy eyebrows and long eyelashes were found on top of it’s bald head, which also sported two enticingly long ears sprouting from the sides of the head in a candle-like way. “Wha- what are you,” Dib asked flabbergasted, as he lacked the mental capacity to comprehend the utter perfection in front of him.  
“I am Shrek, God of Onions, Ruler of Swamps, Bearer of Love,” the being spoke with a voice so soothing, Dib forgot all of his worries, “I came upon this planet to free you from this malevolent irken that has resided on here for just mere years too many.” Now that Shrek, as he had introduced himself, said those words, Dib noticed Zim inside of a capsule on the gorgeous back of Shrek. There could be no way that Zim had finally been defeated, and then not even at the hands of Dib? This wasn’t how the story was meant to be written about in the history books millenials from now on!  
“How did you manage to defeat Zim? I have been trying for a decade without success,” Dib asked.  
“Unlike you, young man, I was not alone,” Shrek spoke wisely and turned to the side so Dib could see his trustworthy companions of eons. For one, there was a bee, so incomprehensibly hot that Dib had to swallow down the spit that had collected in his mouth from looking at it’s perfectly distributed yellow-black striped pattern. Next to the bee stood no other than ex-earth superstar and actor Shia Labeouf who had disappeared years ago and hadn’t been sighted ever since. So that is where he had gone, to join Shrek on his probably very epic adventures. Yet this wasn’t the last companion. Behind the bee and Shia Labeouf there was a german man with incredibly trustworthy and familiar features, Dib felt like as if he could’ve seen this man as part of a Jury in the german version of American Idol. The man winked into Dib’s direction in an approving manner.  
“These are my friends, Barry Bee Benson, Shia Labeouf and Sir Dieter von Bohlen the third. They have helped me free countless planets of the irkens race greedy hands. Young man, I see potential in you. You should join us in our adventures,” Shrek’s deep voice let itself vibrate throughout the room directly into Dib’s ears.  
“But, I can’t just leave,” Dib spoke distressingly.  
“Of courSe yoU cän,” the man that Shrek introduced as Sir Dieter von Bohlen said with a thick german accent, “just laik Shia änd ai häve left our laifs hier on örth, you cän do ze sayme.”  
“Just do it, Dib,” Shia added motivatingly.  
Dib considered with all he had. Surely, now that Zim was not a problem anymore, what even held him here on earth? He had always wanted to venture into space and now that the opportunity was given to him, he had no reason to decline. He collected all of his confidence and spoke: “I will join you guys in saving the universe. It has always been a dream of mine. I am so grateful for this opportunity , I won’t let you down!” With that the heroes began clapping, Barry Bee Benson even shed a sweet honey-glazed tear from his unnervingly human eyes.  
With the decision made, Dib followed Shrek and his companions into the giant onion-shaped spaceship, where even more beings awaited their arrival. They all were crying in glee, cheering for them and congratulating Dib on his respectable decision to join them. Even the aforementioned Minimoose was there, partying with a group of, hold on where those the guys from the alley from before? They actually were those horrible creatures from the Despicable Me franchise that Dib hated so much. It was then when Dib felt a heavy and very warm hand on his shoulder. He slowly turned around and looked right into Shrek’s deep brown eyes.  
“Welcome home bud, you are now one of us.” The green god smiled at Dib and then walked off to a just as green woman with long red hair.  
“Well, if you laik to ai cän shöw you äround some,” Dieter spoke to Dib and dragged him by the hand to something resembling a shopping mall inside of the spaceship. “Zis is ze shöpping mall, it is whäre wir laik to häng out after our exhausting ädventures,” he explained. Sitting at a round bar table, Dib could recognise Barry Bee sharing a Beer with Shia, who seemed far less affected by the beverage than the striped friend. Next, Dieter showed Dib the cinema, the several discos, the personal dorms and last but not least, the swamp-sauna. Apparently this was where Shrek could be found most often. Dib was excited to hear that. Maybe he could catch some alone time with the stunning man if he was smart about it. He was pretty sure the red-haired woman wouldn’t mind to share. The last stop Dib was brought to was a shock in itself. It turned out that instead of killing the defeated irkens, the crew of the ship forced them to work for them in bars that vaguely resembled what Dib had heard of where ‘strip-clubs’.  
“You don’t häv to visit zeees Klubs but zey are väri popülär ai häv to ädmit,” Dieter explained gently and walked back to the mall section with the new recruit.  
Dib knew he would need some time to get used to this new place but no matter what awaited him, he was positive that this was gonna be great. He turned towards the huge glass front that made it possible to look out into space and bid his last goodbye to earth. The blue planet slowly faded into black as the spaceship began to travel at lightspeed. Dieter threw his arm around Dib’s shoulder and cracked a funny joke about bigfoot not being a very good singer, who was also now looking out of the glass front with them while humming along to a song that Dib didn’t recognise.  
What a beautiful day it was.


	2. Three Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided that i will continue this fic in order to cope with the ridiculous amount of academic papers i read and write on a daily basis like come on why must i explain hegel when i could as well just write about dib in space

Three long and unimaginably adventurous years had passed on the onion spaceship ever since Dib had embarked on his journey throughout the vast endlessness of space. He couldn’t imagine what life would be like without his fellow crewmates anymore, things really had turned for the better. Not only did everyone on here believe him in regards to the supernatural, but they also had learned to respect him like almost no other. After only a few adventurous missions that he had been blessed to join, Shrek had let him join his inner layer, the most important group there was on this spaceship. He had also met many new friends. Although he never quite warmed up to Barry Bee, Shia and Dieter were now considered his ‘besties’, who he hung out with at lunch almost daily. There were even more great adventurers who Dib could now consider to be close friends. Amongst them were another german man who went by the mysterious name of ‘Andreas of the Hogs’, who often drowned his food in some strange condiment that shared similarities to soy sauce, a very friendly horse that never spoke and a funny looking dog that Dib could’ve sworn he had seen in a meme once while he was still on earth. Admittedly, many of the inhabitants on this spaceship appeared to be ex-earthlings. Occasionally Dib encountered aliens such as vortians or very rarely even irkens who for some reason had joined Shrek on his mission to destroy the Irken Empire? But yeah, most of the time it was just humans or animals from earth. Maybe earth was just really shit and Dib had never been the only one affected by it’s utter crappiness. Anyways, enough blabbering. Today was gonna be an exciting day, the onion spaceship’s crew was gonna celebrate the third anniversary of Dib joining their ranks and everyone was helping enthusiastically to prepare everything for the grand occasion. The entire spaceship was decorated extensively with creatures Dib had admired his entire life. Mothmen, bigfeet, hell even the monster of loch ness was featured in a very complicated structure that was built in the middle of the conference hall. And despite all of these decorations being kinda confusing and offensive for crewmembers such as the very real and existing Bigfoot, even he had managed to find some join in it. Dib took a glance on his new Onion-watchPro that had been handed to him as a gift from Dieter, his best friend, and realized that it was closing in on 9PM, the official time for Shrek’s grand speech in commemoration of this important day. Quickly Dib threw on his best clothes and ran out of his room in order to get to this long awaited moment. What if Shrek also finally gave him a chance, honestly, at this point Dib would even accept a kiss on the cheek if necessary, as long as it was an affectionate gesture from the most beautiful man he had ever seen. As he passed through the long and seemingly never ending hallways, Dib saw a familiar face looking at him through bars inside of one of his most feared places in this heaven of his. It was Zim, looking pitifully weak and sad, locked inside of one of the specially manufactured Irken-containment cages that had been commissioned from the planet of Quaad, a not really friendly but by now allied Empire of Shrek’s. The Irken, despite it’s disgusting state, began biting at the strong bars that Dib didn’t actually know what they consisted of. It was a sight, not sure what kind of sight, but definitely one to look at. Dib knew that his ex-enemy had no chance of escape and turned away, continuing his way to the grand speech. Yet, no matter how excited he had been for this day, something about seeing Zim in that cage had left him feeling empty. He really hadn’t seen the green and incredibly annoying alien ever since he left his old home planet. As if he had felt his sudden feeling of emptiness, Dieter appeared right next to Dib and smiled warmly at his best friend.   
“Dib, what is wröng? It is your big däy, shouldn’t you be more excaited,” the german man asked in worry.   
“It’s no big deal Dieter, I just saw,,,an old acquaintance of mine,” Dib replied silently and began walking a bit faster.  
“You really seem wörried mai fränd, you know you cän alwäys talk zu me,” Dieter pushed farther, but Dib didn’t feel like answering.   
By now they had reached the conference hall, where Shrek already stood proud at the front, looking down at everyone from his impressive throne. Minimoose, who somehow ended up being adopted by the green god, floated around gleefully next to it’s owner as if it was the only thing the purple moose entity had ever known. Upon seeing Dib, Shrek stood up excitedly and waved at the young man with his big meaty hands that were capable of crushing entire Irken bastions with only one finger. As if nothing had ever happened, Dib found himself to be happy again. Just by looking at Shrek all of his worries seemed to fade away, even Dieter had noticed and smiled to himself as he saw his friend return to his old self. The closer Dib walked towards his idol, the more aware he became of what might happen today. Everyone on the onion spaceship knew that only the fewest were allowed to be this close to their leader, heck, not even all members of the inner layer were allowed this close to him. What if Shrek would pick Dib to be his second wife? Or well, husband, gender never really quite mattered on here anyways. The young man began shaking as he walked up the stairs leading to the stage. A thin layer of sweat had began forming on his skin when suddenly Shrek pulled him up by his arm and smiled a smile so gentle, Dib just knew that nothing could possibly go wrong today.   
Or so he thought. Before Shrek could turn to the crowd and begin his important speech, Andreas jumped out of the crowd on a huge hog-like creature and began shooting lasers at the stage. Everyone started running around and screaming, this was the worst thing yet to happen.   
“What is going on? Shrek what the fuck,” Dib began blabbering while trying to find a safe spot to hide at with the ogre.   
“I am not sure bud, I haven’t seen Andreas this insane since we broke up years ago.”  
“You and Andreas were WHAT,” Dib shrieked incredulously.  
“It’s a long story, we ended up getting along again though so I am not sure what must have happened to him today,” Shrek replied yet again in a calm and collected manner.   
Dib wasn’t sure what to do with this newfound knowledge. Shrek used to date this weirdo? The very weirdo who was now ruining what was supposed to be Dib’s perfect day? This was getting too much for the young man, he had to get away from Shrek, who with this newfound knowledge about him, had also broken his heart. Dib got up and began running. He could hear Shrek yell his name but he didn’t care. The last thing he saw before jumping through a store front in order to hide from the ogre was him decapitating Andreas dramatically, but Dib couldn’t even be happy about that. Mostly because he was passing out from all of the stress, but also because he was just very fucking sad, let’s be real this was just devastating.   
When Dib woke up he was lying on his bed. Dieter sat next to him, carefully holding his hand and visibly brightening up upon seeing that he was fine. The young man let out a groan and tried to sit up, without any success.  
“What happened, is everyone fine,” Dib managed to ask.  
“Andreas lost his mind, we don’t know why but we assume it häs got to do with the maggi shortäge we are fäcing,” Dieter explained and opened up a presentation on one of the many screens that were floating around in Dib’s room.   
“This,” Dieter pointed at a red spot amongst countless of planets,”is where we are right now, and this,” he pointed towards the direction of the furthest object in the room, “is where we would häve gotten a new shipment of maggi. The man couldn’t bear this any longer änd lost his mind. Truly trägic. At least we assume.”  
This made no sense. Dib had talked to Andreas many times over the past few years and never had the man seemed so desperate for maggi, whatever that was, that he would go on a rampage because of it.  
“Where there any casualties?”  
“Thankfully not, unless you count Andreas, it is,” Dieter simply shook his head.  
Yeah. This was bad.   
“I think I need some time to think Dieter, I will go on a walk,” Dib stated and got up carefully, despite Dieters efforts to keep him resting.  
Our brave hero didn’t know where to walk so he just went the way that showed the least destruction. While some spots seemed to be unsalvageable from yesterdays ruckus, others were left practically untouched. Dib stopped in front of a bar that he had only paid attention to twice since getting here. The Irken strip-club. Reluctantly he mustered his courage and entered this horrendous establishment. He didn't even have to really look around in order to know what kinda folks would come here as customers. There definitely were some of those Irkens that had allied themself with Shrek, understandably though, Dib had to admit, Shrek was just too enticing. In a corner he could also spot the Minions, those horrible children's movie mascots that turned out to be incredibly efficient assassins for Shrek. They were, as always, yelling out obscene things and doing drugs or something like that, Dib knew better than to question the yellow tic-tac murderers. He chose to take a sit at the bar, where a Vortian lady handed him a weirdly purple-coloured beverage that he gulped down in mere seconds. It was then when he noticed a small TV in the corner showing something what seemed to be the Irken News. Dib had learned that most of the universes entertainment was in control of the Irken Empire, which was why no one really questioned it anymore at this point and just enjoyed the ride.  
On the screen there was a rather tall looking Irken, who was sporting a one-eyed mask, speaking to a famous Irken actress about some recent events in the movie business. Dib really didn’t care much for that but he had to admit that the newsspeaker was quite interesting and charming. Lost in thought about whether the news man had only one eye or actually two underneath his mask, Dib didn’t notice a tiny shackled Irken approaching him.   
“Dibstink, I need your help.”  
That was when Dib turned around and looked down at his worst enemy, yet again. Zim looked almost helpless, wearing the skimpiest of outfits that Dib had ever seen, and shyly scratching the side of his face, as if he was ashamed to be asking such thing of him. Actually, now that Dib thought about it, he most definitely was.  
“Zim what the heck why would you think I would help you we are enemies,” Dib spoke silently towards his long time enemy.  
“Get me out of here, Shrek is not who you think he is,” Zim pleaded and Dib could actually feel the Irkens frustration. There really appeared to be something wrong, Zim was a horrible liar but this actually seemed to be genuine.   
The young man turned around, checking out his surroundings and then turned back to the Irken.  
“And how exactly do you think I am supposed to do that? There’s cameras everywhere!”  
“Buy me as your personal slave or something you protozoan, as long as I can talk to you with any observers it’ll be fine.”  
Personal slave huh. Although Dib had never considered such thing it definitely had a nice ring to it when in regards to Zim. He might be making a huge mistake if he were to help the Irken but after Shrek broke his heart he really wanted to know what his old enemy had to say on this matter. Dramatically, with almost enough drama to summon a theatrical choir and sparkles in the background, Dib turned towards the bartender and spoke the words he had never thought he would say:  
“Lady, I’d like to buy this Irken as my slave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i neither spell or grammar check any of this. what is proper formatting i write this in the same format i write my papers in


	3. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dib finds out what Shrek's real deal is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is more serious than the others so far

There was a short moment of silence before anything began to feel even the slightest bit of normal again. The Irken bartender gave Dib a slightly confused frown before noticing Zim standing awkwardly behind the young man.  
“Ah, that one. You sure you don’t prefer the taller types,” she asked, disapproving of Dib’s very much involuntary choice of slave.  
“Yeah, let’s say I have a preference,” Dib tried to reply as believably as possible and leaned forward on his barstool in a playful manner. The bartender shrugged and handed Dib a staple of documents.  
“Just sign here, here and here, that should do it tbh, also write in your credit card number, we’ll book off the monies before you leave,” she explained in a remarkably practiced deadpan and put a pen right into Dib’s hand.  
Slowly he began reading through the first page, which he quickly noticed was also the only page. It appears that the bartender had simply handed him all of the slave-obtention forms, which honestly made sense considering how little she seemed to care about anything going on in this establishment. There really weren’t many things on this form anyways, just the usual legal stuff that was genuinely of a questionable nature to begin with considering what this form was for.  
Upon writing down the last number of his credit card, the Irken bartender lady turned around and grabbed the form from him, nodding her head slightly while checking his data.  
“Perfect, here’s your leash, imma just deactivate the security system on the collar real fast,” quickly she jumped over the bar and did things with the collar that Dib really didn’t understand. Within a few seconds the lady jumped back to her spot behind the bar and gave Dib a barely noticeable nod, that he chose to interpret as a sign to leave. Not sparing the bartender a second glance he put the leash on Zim's collar and dragged the now somewhat livelier Irken out of the bar.   
“What did I just do, ohgod, Zim what the fuck are we doing,” Dib whispered towards the smaller as they were walking in the direction of his room.  
“As much as I hate what we are doing, trust me when I say that this is the right thing,” Zim replied uncharacteristically calmly and took a quick glance of his surroundings. “You know Dibstink, this place wouldn’t be all that bad if it wasn’t for your dumb leader.”  
“Why do you keep insulting Shrek,” Dib argued back, although after yesterday he wasn’t all that sure what to think of his former idol either.  
“See, there’s many things I could tell you about that liar but let’s wait till we’re in private, OK?”  
With that the two began to hurry, fully ignoring a mysterious shadow that had followed them around.   
Once they arrived in Dib’s room, Zim was quick to finally reveal what he had found out in the years since being caught by the green ogre, that somehow everyone except for him kept describing as incredulously attractive or something. He really didn’t understand that weird and truly troubling obsession everyone had.  
Just as theatrical as he had been back on earth, the small Irken stood up on top of Dib’s bed and supported his hands on his hips before speaking up just a tad bit louder than anyone would deem an acceptable volume.  
“See Dib, you may think this so-called ‘Shrek’ is a hero but the truth is that he’s the the biggest threat any sentient lifeform has ever come across,” Zim took a deep breath and continued: “on Irk they would always warn us that if we saw a huge onion in the sky we should run as fast as we can. Even Vortians would warn us about it, which was pretty weird because they hate us.”  
So far Dib really didn’t understand much of what Zim was ranting about. So Shrek was universally feared or something?  
“Now, this all might sound incomprehensible to you but the thing is, this atrocious ogre that likes to call himself a god, is a mass murderer. He is planning to conquer the entire Universe, this whole moniker about saving you all from our Almighty Irken Empire is a lie, he just wants you to think he’s an ally before torturing you!”  
Well, that seemed to be making more sense.  
“This apparent attraction you all feel towards him must be a trick of his to subjugate you, I truly don’t understand how else he would get so many to follow his disgusting steps,” Zim continued and angrily kicked an empty bottle of Poop-Cola off the nearby nightstand.   
“So what you’re saying is that he’s actually worse than your kind,” Dib double checked on the facts.  
“OBVIOUSLY YOU DOOFUS, DID YOU EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAID BEFORE?”  
“Sorry man it’s just all very hard to believe,” Dib argued further.  
“OK Dib, let me just show you something then,” Zim, just like Dieter had done hours before, quickly logged into one of the screens floating around the room and opened up a shakily filmed clip.   
It was the middle of Andreas’ inexplicable attack. Dib recognised a shape that must have been him running away from the stage in a panic, but that wasn’t what mattered. The recording clearly showed Andreas approaching the ogre that Dib had admired for so long, but unlike he thought until now, he didn’t try to harm Shrek immediately. Clearly he could hear the human speak to the ogre some very troubling words.  
“Shrek I can’t support this madness any longer. In no timeline I will allow you to harm this boy. He believes in you like no other, once he finds out what you’re actually doing here he’ll break.”  
“Why would I care about the boy Andreas. He’s just another piece in my plan to rule over the universe once and for all,” the Shrek in the recording replied with a voice so cold, all of the magic Dib halt felt from the man so far vanished in an instant.  
“Stop this, please. You don’t need to prove anything anymore. You've got everything.”  
“Andreas, poor Andreas, you understand nothing. I never considered any of you my friends.” Before the human could argue with the ogre any further, Shrek quickly ripped off his head. Whoever had filmed this quickly turned the camera towards the ground and fumbled with the buttons before the recording ended.  
Dib was left speechless by what he had just seen. So Andreas was actually trying to save everyone from Shrek? There had been no issues with a maggi shortage that had made the man snap? Helplessly he looked down at his feet, too devastated by Shrek’s technical betrayal.  
“Minimoose shared this with me, before Shrek managed to catch me back on earth we agreed that he would make sure to help me reveal this monsters plans,” Zim told Dib and sat down next to the young man, gently putting one of his gloved claws on one of Dib’s knees.   
“What do we do now,” Dib asked and moved his head slightly into the direction of the small Irken that he had always considered his enemy, something he wasn’t so sure about anymore. Zim let out a soft sigh and patted Dib’s knee gently with his claws, a gesture that the young man appreciated more than he would ever let the small Irken on.   
As if things hadn’t been confusing enough already, Dib’s bathroom door burst open and Dieter fell out hastily. The german man had tears flowing out of his gentle eyes and he was breathing heavily.  
“FRÄHND, AI CÄNT BELIEVE ZIS HORRIBLE NEWS,” he exclaimed even louder than the Irken’s usual speech volume and fell into Dib’s arms.  
“NÄVER WOULD AI HÄVE ZOUGHT THAT SHREK OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD BE ZE GREATEST EVIL.”  
Dieter sobbed for what felt like an hour into the young man's shoulder. Zim and Dib exchanged a confused look before the latter decided to just put his arms around the broken man who was now sitting in his lap.   
“You know Dib, I really loved him,” Dieter admitted silently, his speech void of the thick german accent he had always carried before. It was as if the moment didn’t allow for the comedic relief that usually came with hearing the german man fail to pronounce anything correctly. Even Zim, who usually was cruel and cold, decided to comfort the crying man.   
“Dieter, you were not alone with those feelings,” the young man whispered into his friends ear and held the man even tighter to his chest.   
Hours later the three men were sitting together on the ground. Various snacks and beverages began to accumulate around them as they continued consuming their comfort foods while also trying to come up with a plan to stop Shrek. To be fair, only Dib and Zim were actually discussing possible plans, Dieter kept snacking at the side, occasionally throwing in some dumb suggestion that the other two effortlessly managed to ignore.   
This was gonna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry the next one is gonna be incredibly stupid again i just got a tooth pulled this morning and can't bring myself to think of anything funny


	4. Step 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey begins, of sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day? my painkillers kicked in so here we go

Coming up with a solid plan had ended taking up the three mens entire night. After having thoroughly discussed all and every single one of their options they had settled for the seemingly simplest one. Dib would have almost argued for it to be too simple but according to Zim that was the only way to go. The Irken knew the longest and the most about Shrek’s Empire from a counterplayers perspective so there was no reason to doubt his decisions. Typical to the small Irkens usual way of doing things the plan had countless steps despite it’s easy nature though, so maybe Dib’s other plans had simply been too complicated.   
It was early, if they had been on earth the sun would most likely not have been up yet, but this was a spaceship, lacking the concept of daytime altogether to begin with. So maybe it wasn’t actually early but the time said it was 4am so to the brave group of heroes it was. The first step was to acquire all necessary equipment, an easy task considering this was a battleship overflowing with weapon stores. Also Zim had mentioned that the Irken bartender lady might be able to help them as she was actually a spy for the resisty, a ‘galactic resistance group that fought all sorts of evil Empires’ as Zim reluctantly had phrased it, not having warmed up yet to the fact that technically his own race was part of one of those Empires as well.   
Zim and Dib parted ways with Dieter for now, wanting to ask their possible ally at the bar for help while Dieter received the task to organise an adequate uniform for their ordeal.   
Upon arriving at the bar, Dib already had to keep himself a dozen times from accidentally killing his now Irken ally. Zim had been incapable of keeping his negative comments towards literally anything Dib had ever liked to himself, which ended up in them arguing over something rather stupid in the middle of the mall passages.   
“Irken bartender,” Zim declared as he kicked open the bar's door, presenting himself proudly to the little customers that attended it at any time.  
“Ya know I got a name, right,” a familiar voice replied from behind the duo, it’s owner pushing them to the side, walking into her workplace annoyedly.   
Dib eyed up the Irken woman, noticing how exceptionally tall she actually was, a detail he hadn’t noticed so far. She was a slightly more yellow hue of green than Zim and had long, floppy antennae that curled at the ends. Her face seemed to be frozen in an eternal frown, her purple eyes covered by a futuristic transparent eye-shield that was connected to a headset.   
“We wanted to ask a favour of you,” Dib sputtered out in the hope of that getting her attention.  
She lifted up one of her nonexistent eyebrows and turned away, continuing her walk behind the bar.  
“See guys, I’m gonna be real with you. I don’t care, unless you’re planning to get rid of those idiots,” she gestured towards the TV, showing the Tallests Red and Purple holding a speech about cheese sticks, “I really couldn’t be any less bothered.”  
Zim saw this as a chance to get the taller Irken on their side and jumped up on one of the stools with the help of his PAK.  
“What if I told you that we’re not only planning to get rid of those,” he grinned diabolically at the now curious looking woman and lowered his voice dramatically, “but also of Shrek.”  
“Well now we are talking, Lola’s the name, how can I be of your service?”  
Dib was stunned by how smooth this was going. There had to be some kinda catch to this situation, no way Zim could’ve gotten the woman's agreement this quick.  
“We need weapons, also a ship to get away from here,” the young man told Lola, curious about what she could do for them.   
The Irken woman nodded and pulled out a tablet, quickly typing away before replying: “I can get you a ship with all you need to survive till the next system by this evening. Just meet me by the end of my shift, I’ll give you the details then.”   
“When’s that,” Zim added and Lola rolled her eyes.  
“2pm, be early or there won’t be no ship for you,” she warned the two and waved them goodbye mockingly.  
At the other end of the onion spaceship, Dieter was in the middle of fulfilling his task. Shia and Barry Bee had been forced along on this ordeal, although unknowing of what this was even meant to be for. To them, this was the ultimate form of torture. Dieter, who was incredibly passionate about, whatever he was doing, had been dragging them from boutique to boutique for hours now, letting them judge the ridiculous outfits he kept choosing and buying the ones he thought were the best. Yes, that meant he made his friends judge all of his picks only to disregard their opinions and do what he wanted anyways. There really was no reason for them to be here other than maybe the visual of them being annoyed by their endearing friend. Shia sighed, he couldn’t do this anymore. His friend had been inside of the dressing room for way too long already and he had no idea what that meant for his poor eyes.  
“Listen Dieter, what are we doing this for again,” Barry Bee yelled through a megaphone that he had materialised out of nowhere.  
“Cän’t tell you guys,” the german man sing-sang from behind the closed dressing room curtains.  
“Are you at least gonna show us what you’re putting on or are we supposed to die from old age on this couch? It’s not really comfortable man,” the bee continued nagging at his friend, rolling his eyes and grabbing a sour drop from Shia, who had just opened a new pack.  
“Yes just a secönd,” Dieter announced and twirled out of the dressing room shortly after, rainbows flowing out from between the curtains. He was dressed in tight orange leggings that almost blended perfectly with his sun-kissed skin and a green crop-top with the word ‘FAM’ printed on the front. Shia and Barry Bee gave each other a disgusted look, THAT had taken Dieter so long to put on?  
“What do you zink,” he asked and hit a new pose for his involuntarily present audience.  
“Great.”  
“Lovely, can we go now?”  
“Ai don’t knöw, zis top seems just too shört raight,” Dieter pulled at the horribly green top and looked up at his friends who now were pretending to be busy otherwise. Barry Bee was faking a very buyable important phonecall and Shia was filling out a Sudoku on the back of a newspaper.   
“Whatever, Dieter can we leave now, please,” Shia pleaded. The newspaper had vanished into thin air.  
“No, ai häve a mission,” Dieter snarled back at the two, turning his back to them and frowning.  
“Dude, if you at least told us what that mission thing is about but you won’t say shit to us,” Shia further argued. He was having enough from this and got up, walking away from this stupidity. Barry Bee followed him with no comment. It was then, after his friends had left, that Dieter set his eyes on the most perfect outfits he had ever seen for his allies and him. Quickly he changed out of the one he was wearing at the moment and picked up the new ones without even trying them on. He just knew they were absolutely perfect.   
It was point 2pm. Dib, Zim and Dieter were waiting for Lola in front of the strip-club. After they had left this morning, Dib and Zim had gone to buy essential snacks and packed up most of the humans' belongings so they could leave faster. Dieter had joined them last minute, although he too had already packed his stuff together, so at least he wasn’t entirely useless. The trio watched attentively how the rather tall Irken conducted her shift exchange and let another, way smaller Irken take over for the rest of the day. Slowly, the woman walked out of the door and took in her surroundings before gesturing for the trio to follow her. A few minutes later they reached the spaceport floor, at which merchant ships arrived every few seconds and left almost as fast as they had come. Lola led them to an unassuming black ship with tinted windows, that was big enough to carry a crew of at least 20.  
In front of it stood a Vortian who greeted the group with a gentle wave.   
“That’s Gyop, he’s the one providing the ship and everything inside of it,” Lola deadpanned and turned around, walking back to the direction of the onion spaceship’s mall.  
“Aren’t you coming with us,” Dib asked, only to receive a sharp laugh from the woman.  
“Nah, I’m going back to system 2-50 next week with Gyop anyways, enjoy your adventures guys, we’ll keep in contact.” With that she walked away, the Vortian man who had so far not said a single word following her into the depths of the onion.  
“Cool, so is anyone familiar with the Resisty’s technology,” Zim wondered out loud while walking into their new ‘home’.  
“To be honest I kinda expected you to be,” Dib replied, checking out the countless screens and controls in the cockpit.  
Dieter in the meantime had planted his ass in what seemed to be the ship’s breakroom, fully equipped with a large TV, several seating options and even a kitchen with an integrated bar.   
“I don’t think he’ll be of much use,” Zim whispered towards Dib, who snorted at that comment and nodded in agreement.   
“At least he’ll keep us from killing each other,” the young man shrugged his shoulders and walked towards the other human.  
“Hey Dieter, what about those new outfits, did you find anything,” he asked.  
The german man lighted up visibly at that question and quickly pushed a bag full of clothes into Dib’s arms.  
“Those are yours,” he then pushed another bag into Zim’s arms, “that one is for you, we should go change in our rooms and then present them to each other!”  
Excitedly Dieter ran off into one of the rooms, leaving the ex-enemies standing in the middle of the room cluelessly. The two stared at each other awkwardly before mumbling incoherent words and gesturing towards seperate rooms like embarrassed teenagers.  
Once he was inside of his room, Dib took a look at the clothes Dieter had chosen for him and gasped in surprise at how fitting they actually were. Inside of the bag was a pair of black combat boots that ended just below the knees. There also was a pair of comfortable looking black military pants and a tight fitting black turtleneck. These clothes were a definite upgrade to what the young man had been wearing so far. Quickly he put his new outfit on and checked it out in the body-length mirror inside of the rather high-tech equipped room. Everything fit perfectly, Dib might even describe himself as good-looking. Shrek was really missing out on this, he thought and picked up a rifle that somehow was lying around in his room to pretend he actually was a badass rebel. Happy with the overall image he walked out of his room, noticing how in the same moment zim also left his quarters, wearing the new outfit that Dieter had assembled. Unlike Dib, he wore a pair of slightly heeled leather boots that actually looked a lot like the ones he used to wear as an Irken Invader, as well as tight fitting black pants and a robe that looked a lot like the Irken Elite’s one if it was available in dark green with black accents. The Irken looked really good, Dib had to admit and blushed a little in embarrassment. Last of them all Dieter jumped out of his room. There was a pop song playing loudly from inside of his room and a laser show giving the man some dramatic backlighting. Glitter rained down on him from god knows where while he shot finger guns at quite literally no one. Dieter was wearing,,,,,a pair of white sneakers, washed out jeans and a horribly bright neon-orange hoodie with the words ‘CAMP DAVEE’D’ printed on the front. Yet again, Dib and Zim could only stare in wonder as the german man continued his show, it looked as if he was walking out on a stage and greeting his fans, except there were none and it was just getting more and more ridiculous by the minute.  
Awkwardly Zim cleared his throat and finally Dieter stopped the madness he had been participating in for what had felt like an hour.   
“So, do we wanna get going then,” the Irken asked and Dib nodded in approval, walking towards the cockpit and instinctively starting the ship’s engines.  
“I think I found out how this works guys,” he stated and piloted the ship outside of the large onion. Zim chose to look over his shoulder, while Dieter went back to chill in the breakroom, watching what seemed to be that Irken entertainment show in which Invaders tried not to fucking die while doing everyday things with a shark tied to their head. This could only end in disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i start this fic as a crack fic? yes.  
> is it actually becoming kinda serious rn? yeah.  
> is that gonna last for long? absolutely not.  
> also here's what dieter is wearing from now on:  
> https://www.campdavid-soccx.de/out/pictures/generated/product/1/582_870_75/hoodie-mit-used-prints-und-tapes-659985.jpg


	5. Shrek on the go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just Shrek doing stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot that this is a crack fic but dont worry its just gonna go downhill from here

Back on the onion spaceship Shrek was getting his large green muscles massaged by a questionably skimpy clothed anime girl. After his not so exhausting fight with Andreas he had decided to recede to his quarters and discuss the serious situation with his inner layer. The people belonging to that intimate fellowship of his were supposed to arrive at any minute now, although that didn’t stop the godlike man from enjoying the small hands kneading his glutes at the moment. The repetitive motion helped Shrek to focus on coming up with an elaborate lie about what had happened in the conference hall a couple days ago. Despite the inner layer being his most trusted allies on this ship, they still were nothing but idealistic dreamers in his eyes. Also, none of them were actually aware of what his real intentions were. The few people who knew the truth about him were either dead now, like Andreas, or his earliest allies such as his equinine friend Donkey, his beautifully green wife Fiona or his past enemy Farquaad. He also had the Minions, a group of disgustingly strange sentient yellow blob-creatures, that supported him in his true goals. A loud knock on the large steel door that separated Shrek’s quarters from the rest of his royal floor on the ship disturbed him in his intricate thoughts and the large green god let out a groan. 

“Come in,” he spoke in a deep serious tone, a hint of annoyance coming through as he moved his glorious form back to his impressive, diamond-clad throne in the very back of the room. At the back of the throne a huge painting of him and his family was visible between large, heavy drapes in a deep red colour with intricately stitched on gold-ornaments. 

A small head, belonging to no other than Barry Bee Benson, dared to take a peek into the hall-like room, before deeming the Ogre-overlord to look calm enough for everyone to enter. The steel door opened up with a loud creak and Shrek’s inner layer walked in. They all were wearing a red military uniform with the emblem of Shrek, an onion, stitched on in the front. 

Shrek eyed up the members of the inner layer suspiciously, noticing that two of them were strangely enough missing.

“Where are Dieter and Dib,“ he asked in a demanding tone. The others flinched back a little, not sure of what to answer. Shia and Barry exchanged an insecure look before speaking up.

“We don‘t know. They weren’t in their quarters when we went to look for them,” Shia admitted to their leader, who was now sporting a deep frown.

“Have you checked the security cameras?”

“Yes,” Barry quickly added on, “that’s why we’re late. There’s no trace of them in any of the recordings.”

Angrily Shrek hit the back of his throne with his fist, promptly damaging the throne irreparably, and stood up in distress.

“So you’re saying that two of my most cherished subordinates simply disappeared off this spaceship's surface? And NO ONE knows a thing?”

Shia, Barry and the rest of the inner layer nodded in confirmation of Shrek’s words, too scared to speak a word. 

“Well if no one knows where they are, then they can just as well never report back to me again. As of now they are not welcomed in the inner layer anymore,” the green ogre declared, deeply disappointed by the two men who he had given a chance to live a better life.

“Now, I’m sure you all want to know what I initially called you in for, am I right,” he spoke, his entire demeanor changing in a sudden.

The inner layer nodded again, although unsure of what was gonna happen this time.

“As all of you might have noticed, our dear friend Andreas recently lost his mind and attacked me, which unwantedly ended in him dying. It appears, so our allies from the Empire of Quaad have told me, that the galactic resistance movement has infiltrated our ranks and began to brainwash our proud soldiers into believing that we are the enemy.”

“I thought the resisty were our allies,” someone from behind Shia and Barry dared to speak up.

“Not anymore, they seem to have fooled us. Their leadership must have changed without us knowing, they now are nothing but conspiratorial fools putting stepping stones into everyone but their own way,” Shrek quickly lied towards his confused looking fellows. He could not let them know the truth.

“What do we do now then,” Shia asked.

“Hunt them down. The lies they have told to Andreas are unacceptable. He was barely himself anymore.”

Barry and Shia exchanged, yet again, a look. What if the resisty had gotten to Dib and Dieter? That would at least explain Dieter’s strange mysterious behaviour the last time they saw him.

“Actually, maybe we know something,” Shrek moved his glance towards Barry, who had chosen to speak up.

“A few days ago Dieter took us shopping. We don’t know what for, he seemed a bit strange, stranger than usual, afterwards he disappeared,” Shia added on.

Shrek lifted his thick eyebrows up in curiosity. Now that was interesting news. 

“When was that,” he demanded to know.

“The day after Andreas attack,” Barry and Shia replied at the same time with an exhausted look on their face, remembering the torture that it had been to listen to Dieter complain all day about clothes and combinations. 

Just as the two had revealed what they knew, there was a loud rumble outside of Shrek’s quarters. In a sudden the spaceships alarm droned out every other noise. Fiona, Shrek’s wife came storming into the room, visibly stressed out.

“Resistance fighters have attacked us from the outside. We need to flee, The main turbines are completely wrecked,” she yelled out.

Quickly the members of the inner layer and Shrek fled the quarters and ran towards the spaceport. Something about all of these things happening at once irked Shrek the wrong way. A sudden attack on the onion? Two of his inner layer members disappearing at once, a day after he had to kill Andreas for possibly snitching on everyone? As they arrived at the spaceport, Shrek took a glance of a tall Irken woman and a Vortian man jumping into a warship and flying off just a tad bit too fast for his liking. Swiftly he messaged the minions to follow the two, something that wouldn’t be too hard as the warship wasn’t exactly subtle in it’s aerodynamic dark green design that wasn’t seen much around these parts of the universe. If his gut feeling didn’t betray him they might have been part of the resistance fighters. Admittedly calling them resisty simply felt wrong, as the new leadership appeared to be actually competent, unlike the fools who had been in charge for the past decades. Without much more worry the ogre pulled himself into his small travel spaceship, his inner layer and wife already waiting inside. Outside he barely took a glimpse of the minions literally nyooming out in their really fucking ugly yellow spacepods that they used to track down anyone Shrek sent them upon. Exhausted from all this crap the self-declared god let himself fall onto the makeshift throne that was built inside of this ship, ready to destroy whoever was to blame for his plans suddenly facing opposition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder what Shrek is gonna do oh no will our brave heroes be able to stop him or smth


	6. Minimoose special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like Minimoose a lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy

Minimoose usually wouldn’t consider himself a complicated being. His day could be spent effortlessly floating around and occasionally eating a nacho and he’d be happy, but the last week certainly had been something else. The tiny purple moose creature was squished in between the cushions of a couch that he had accidentally flown into and now was unable to escape. Some strange being had decided to sit on top of that couch and had not gotten up once since then, which Minimoose considered to be quite strange. Sure, he himself didn’t need to go to the bathroom or really do anything other than exist, but other creatures had to, right? At least that was what the actual godlike being had observed in all the years of its existence. The sheer endurance this creature had astonished Minimoose, maybe it was just like him? Why did Minimoose even consider himself to be a He? Had Minimoose even a gender? The moose entity didn’t really understand much of these oddly human concepts that for some reason were also apparent in many other species throughout the universe, even if at least the concept of two genders was even scientifically proven to be false. Honestly, all these beings should stop praying to their questionable entities and instead dedicate themselves to Minimoose. No more wars, only love and mindless floating throughout space with an occasional delicious load of nachos with cheese to consume. Man, Minimoose really wished he could float around right now. But his deepest wishes couldn’t be fulfilled because this STUPID thing was trapping him between the couch cushions. How exhausting. If Minimoose was capable of speech it would’ve told this thing to get off a week ago, but sadly Minimoose wasn’t capable of speech, also it’s usual cute NYEH would probably be muffled by the cushions anyways. God it started smelling awful down here, what did he even do to deserve such horrible punishment. Was this what he got for hanging out with those yellow guys on the onion spaceship? They had been quite entertaining to the purple moose entity, also they appreciated his cute NYEH sound a lot, which fueled Minimoose with glee. Maybe this was the punishment for thinking that maybe Shrek wasn’t that bad, but that thought had been pushed out of his cute little head rather fast since Shrek was simply awful. Not even Zim had been that much of a terrible owner. Or was this the punishment for forgetting GIR back on earth? Minimoose had actually forgotten about that guy until now. How strange, what had happened to him? Minimoose genuinely didn’t remember anymore. There were so many things Minimoose now began to appreciate. It really only took being stuck in between these cushions for a week for him to miss so many things that weren’t even necessary for him. Oh how he would love to float around a candy store, or a filled mall. Maybe even get a delicious treat at Bloaty’s. He really missed that disgusting pig man's pizzeria. Really the best thing to have come out of that sickening planet earth that Minimoose actually didn’t hate as much as his old owner Zim had made him to believe. He even would appreciate seeing that Irken again, despite all of his efforts to be as much of an embarrassment as appeared to be irkenly possible. Was Zim even aware of how hopeless all of his attempts at pleasing the tallests were? Well, Minimoose couldn’t care less. It was funny to see the small Irken constantly fail without any exception. Ugh anyways, did he already mention how unbearable this situation was. Why did he have to suffer like this, couldn’t the creature just get up already. Minimoose tried to take a glance of what it even was that kept him from fleeing, but just as all the other times all he could see was a disgusting shade of neon orange. Who even wore that colour, it was hideous. The purple moose really had to focus on not getting sick from how obnoxiously orange it was, heck, he didn’t even know one could be that offended just from seeing a colour. Minimoose would rather spent hours talking to the disgustingly yellow minions naked than having to spend any more time knowing that this creature, coloured in the worst shade of colour possible, had been responsible for the simultaneously worst week of his life. Exhausted for today the moose silently gave up and willed itself into a comatose state that it would uphold until this thing finally chose to move it’s body from the couch so he could finally float away again and return to normal. Hopefully that was gonna happen soon, he really missed the taste of nachos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed youself

**Author's Note:**

> i cant believe u actually read through this


End file.
